Top 50 Funny Husband and Wife Jokes in English

Brighten up your day with the following Top 50 Funny Husband and Wife Jokes that will make you Laugh.

Joke 1:
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 

Joke 2:
Wife to Husband: You are getting fat.
Husband to Wife: I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

 

Joke 3:
Husband to Wife: Don’t be afraid of a few extra pounds.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.

 

Joke 4:
Husband to Wife: I used to think I was indecisive, but after married I’m not too sure.

 

Joke 5:
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

 

Joke 6:
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

 

Joke 7:
Husband to Wife: I Wish Going To The Gym Was As Easy As Going To The Fridge.

 

Joke 8:
Husband to Wife: A Balanced Diet Is Chocolate In Both Hands

 

Joke 9:
Wife: Omg, now I get it!
Husband: You get what?
Wife: You know, when things heat up, they expand.
Husband: And?
Wife: I’m not Fat, I’m Hot!

 

Joke 10:
Wife: I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs.

 

Joke 11:
Wife to Husband: I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

Joke 12:
Husband to Wife: The only reason I am fat is because a skinny body couldn’t possibly store all this personality.

 

Joke 13:
Husband to Wife: You are getting fat.
Wife to Husband: I’m not fat.
God gave me airbags cause I’m precious.

 

Joke 14:
Husband to Wife: They say that the body is made up of 90% water
So…
I’m not fat
I’m just water logged!

 

Joke 15:
Husband: I want my wife like Google, She will understand me better.

 

Joke 16:
Husband to Wife: You don’t have to be skinny to be sexy or beautiful…
Beauty is the size of your heart, not the size of your jeans.

 

Joke 17:
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

 

Joke 18:
My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take a single one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk.”

 

Joke 19:
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.

 

Joke 20:
Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

 

Joke 21:
Q: What to give a man who’s got everything?
A: A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

 

Joke 22:
Husband to Wife: I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

 

Joke 23:
I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.

 

Joke 24:
I have three kids and no money. Why I can’t I have no kids and three money?

 

Joke 25:
Every guy thinks that every girls dream is to find the perfect guy…
Please. Every girls dream is to Eat without getting Fat

 

Joke 26:
My Diet Plan:
Make my husband lots of cupcakes.
The fatter he gets, the thinner I look.

 

Joke 27:
Husband to Wife: I’m not FAT.
I’m just so freaking sexy it overflows.

 

Joke 28:
You can’t put a value on a human life, but my wife’s life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

 

Joke 29:
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

 

Joke 30:
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
“Well”, he replied.  “I said I was 87!”

 

Joke 31:
Wife: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Husband: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

 

Joke 32:
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?”
Wife looks confused: “But that’s your task, honey.” “What? Why?”
“It’s all over the Bible, dearest.”   “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!”
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: “See? Everywhere: HEbrews, HEbrews, HEbrews.”

 

Joke 33:
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

Joke 34:
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.

 

Joke 35:
An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

 

Joke 36:
Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”. | More Jokes at https://www.short-funny.com

 

Joke 37:
At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

 

Joke 38:
Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.

 

Joke 39:
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

 

Joke 40:
A boy asked his father, “Dad, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father grimly replied, “I wouldn’t know son, I’m still not done paying for it.”

 

Joke 41:
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.“

 

Joke 42:
One easy step to lose an argument with a wife: 1) Argue.

 

Joke 43:
85% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from the other side of the house.

 

Joke 44:
“I got lost.”
“Where are you?”
“In the car.”
Ladies and gentlemen – I present to you my wife!

 

Joke 45:
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.   The husband is surprised, “Wow, that was quick – usually you women are at it for two hours at least!”
“Yeah, well, it was a wrong number.”

 

Joke 46:
A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets married.   But then it’s already too late for him.

 

Joke 47:
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.

 

Joke 48:
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

 

Joke 49:
A man and a woman are having a date. The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!” The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!” “Twice.”

 

Joke 50:
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened. The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”   The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”   Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.” 

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